You date someone, you like them, and the sex seems okay. But are you sexually compatible? Let's explore sexual compatibility and discuss common challenges and ways of improving intimate compatibility with your partner.
It can be hard to know whether or not your lover matches your intimate needs, wants, and requirements. When you’re just starting to go out, everything is thrilling and sexy. Then, when you’ve been together for a while longer, and the sex is not as spicy as it used to be, how do you know if it’s terrible compatibility or simply the effect of the routine?
What Is Sexual Compatibility?
Sexual compatibility is how well romantic partners align in terms of their sexual needs, preferences, temperament, and desires.
For example, couples where both partners want to have sex approximately 2-3 times a week and share fantasies and turn-ons are compatible. Those couples where one partner is very sex-enthusiastic and is ready to have it daily, but the other partner only wants to get naked 1-2 times a month, – are not sexually compatible and likely have occasional fights and frustrations around the topic.
The key components of sexual compatibility are:
For example, couples where both partners want to have sex approximately 2-3 times a week and share fantasies and turn-ons are compatible. Those couples where one partner is very sex-enthusiastic and is ready to have it daily, but the other partner only wants to get naked 1-2 times a month, – are not sexually compatible and likely have occasional fights and frustrations around the topic.
The key components of sexual compatibility are:
- Frequency
- Arousal
- Desires
- Boundaries
- Comfort levels
- Spontaneity
- Libido (sex drive)
- Aftercare
Sexual Compatibility vs Sexual Chemistry
The two sound similar. So is it the same? Not exactly.
Sexual chemistry is a moment, an instant attraction between two people. For instance, if you enter the elevator in your office building and there’s a hottie there, you two can like each other and have this instant electrical tension and temperature rise from being close to one another in a confined space.
Yet, if the two of you exit the elevator and find a quiet, dark space to have sex, it may be super underwhelming and not at all as hot as what you experienced a few minutes ago.
Sexual compatibility is a long-term concept that refers to ongoing intimacy, for example, how much pleasure you get from having sex with your partner.
Sexual chemistry is a moment, an instant attraction between two people. For instance, if you enter the elevator in your office building and there’s a hottie there, you two can like each other and have this instant electrical tension and temperature rise from being close to one another in a confined space.
Yet, if the two of you exit the elevator and find a quiet, dark space to have sex, it may be super underwhelming and not at all as hot as what you experienced a few minutes ago.
Sexual compatibility is a long-term concept that refers to ongoing intimacy, for example, how much pleasure you get from having sex with your partner.
Do Emotional and Psychological Factors Play a Role in Sexual Compatibility?
Sexual compatibility is not simple. It goes far beyond the looks and essential physical attraction.
The way your partner treats you and makes you feel, how emotionally connected you are, past romantic experiences, attachment styles, and many other factors all contribute to sexual compatibility.
So yes, psychological and emotional factors play a role in how well you and your partner will match in the bedroom.
The way your partner treats you and makes you feel, how emotionally connected you are, past romantic experiences, attachment styles, and many other factors all contribute to sexual compatibility.
So yes, psychological and emotional factors play a role in how well you and your partner will match in the bedroom.
The 10 Signs You Are Sexually Compatible
Sexual compatibility is not always straightforward, and there are ways to confirm or deny whether your couple is sexually on the same page.
- The same things excite and arouse you.
- You have a similar level of sexual desire, a.k.a. sex drive.
- Non-sexual affection is effortless and natural in your relationship.
- You share deep trust and respect for each other.
- Communicating openly about sex is easy for you.
- If something awkward happens, you quickly recover from it.
- You both have boundaries and respect them.
- Making sure the other person is having fun is a priority for you.
- You have fun together and view sex as an adventure.
- There is mutual motivation to grow and evolve sexually together.
The 10 Signs You’re Not Sexually Compatible
Not to rain on your parade, but many couples aren’t sexually compatible, and they have no idea.
Here are the 10 key signs that you and your lover may not be on the same sex page.
Here are the 10 key signs that you and your lover may not be on the same sex page.
- The things that turn you on are vastly different, and you barely find a common ground.
- Your sex drive is mismatched, and you rarely want sex at the same time.
- You struggle to talk about intimacy.
- You have different preferences and like different kinks.
- There are unresolved traumas, insecurities, and issues that add stress to the romance.
- It’s common for one partner to approach the other for sex and is rejected.
- Sex is not satisfying or particularly pleasant.
- It doesn’t seem like the two of you want to compromise or work on meeting each other’s needs.
- The intimacy, including non-sexual ones, is pretty much non-existent.
- One or both of you fantasize about other people.
If you observe at least one of these signs in your relationship, this might be a red flag to avoid or to work on together hand-in-hand. Check out Flure’s tips on how to spice up your bond and why you should work on it if you feel your sexual life is dull.
How to Improve Sexual Compatibility
Improving sexual compatibility is possible, but it will take time and effort from both partners.
The core element of working on any relationship issue is communication. Practice raw, open, and honest communication about problems with your partner. If you can discuss intimacy more or less freely and openly express what’s been worrying you, you’ll already be ahead of most couples.
Next, try to focus on the issue, not the person. Avoid an accusative tone and prioritize understanding how you both feel and what can be done to change the dynamic.
Once you identify the root cause of your incompatibility, work out a plan to change that. Don’t make vast and unrealistic plans, but start small. For example, if your partner is very active sexually and wants to get naked all the time, but you’re the opposite, work on slowly increasing your sex sessions’ frequency or engage in oral sex more as an alternative to penetrative sex. Try new locations at home, and think of different kinks that you both might want to explore and experiment with occasionally.
The core element of working on any relationship issue is communication. Practice raw, open, and honest communication about problems with your partner. If you can discuss intimacy more or less freely and openly express what’s been worrying you, you’ll already be ahead of most couples.
Next, try to focus on the issue, not the person. Avoid an accusative tone and prioritize understanding how you both feel and what can be done to change the dynamic.
Once you identify the root cause of your incompatibility, work out a plan to change that. Don’t make vast and unrealistic plans, but start small. For example, if your partner is very active sexually and wants to get naked all the time, but you’re the opposite, work on slowly increasing your sex sessions’ frequency or engage in oral sex more as an alternative to penetrative sex. Try new locations at home, and think of different kinks that you both might want to explore and experiment with occasionally.
Tip: Compromise is everything. The goal is not to get to the finish line faster but to get there together and with balanced sexual desires.
When to Seek Professional Guidance
Choosing to seek professional guidance is a very sensitive topic that each couple needs to decide on individually. It doesn’t matter what your friends are doing or what others are saying; the call is only yours.
The common reasons for reaching out to someone include:
The list of reasons above focuses on negative scenarios when something is going wrong, so the couple seeks outside help.
That’s not the only case, though, and many open-minded couples choose to talk to a therapist to see how they can further improve their sexual life. Your intimacy doesn’t need to be in trouble for you to seek guidance. Just like you have a mental health therapist, a professional fitness coach, or a nutritionist to help you improve different areas of your life, the same goes for your sexual relationships.
After all, sex is fantastic, and it’s such a significant element of an adult’s life that it makes a lot of sense to go the extra mile and work on your sexual relationships and sexuality.
The common reasons for reaching out to someone include:
- Recognizing that there is an issue but not knowing what to do.
- One of the partners is unwilling to cooperate and improve the intimacy.
- Struggling to improve the situation after months of trying.
- There is an ongoing mismatch of libidos that causes tension.
- Your sexual desires are drastically different, and you want opposite things in bed.
- One or both of you are about to start seeking sexual experiences outside of the relationship.
- There are strong negative feelings, such as frustration, resentment, and avoidance between you.
The list of reasons above focuses on negative scenarios when something is going wrong, so the couple seeks outside help.
That’s not the only case, though, and many open-minded couples choose to talk to a therapist to see how they can further improve their sexual life. Your intimacy doesn’t need to be in trouble for you to seek guidance. Just like you have a mental health therapist, a professional fitness coach, or a nutritionist to help you improve different areas of your life, the same goes for your sexual relationships.
After all, sex is fantastic, and it’s such a significant element of an adult’s life that it makes a lot of sense to go the extra mile and work on your sexual relationships and sexuality.
Is Sexual Compatibility Important?
Yes, yes, and yes. Whether you’re casually hooking up or dating someone exclusively for months and years, being sexually compatible is very important.
Sex is super intimate, and it plays a noticeable role in how we perceive ourselves and the lives we live. If you have unresolved trauma or shame associated with sex, it has the potential to ruin your self-esteem, confidence, and even your relationship with your partner.
All those little mismatches in how you like to have sex, the things you enjoy in the bedroom, and how often you crave it – they’re all slowly building up tension and causing frustration, creating an unhealthy environment.
Not sure how to find a sexually compatible partner?
Sex is super intimate, and it plays a noticeable role in how we perceive ourselves and the lives we live. If you have unresolved trauma or shame associated with sex, it has the potential to ruin your self-esteem, confidence, and even your relationship with your partner.
All those little mismatches in how you like to have sex, the things you enjoy in the bedroom, and how often you crave it – they’re all slowly building up tension and causing frustration, creating an unhealthy environment.
Not sure how to find a sexually compatible partner?
Flure isn’t just a dating app—it’s your gateway to meaningful connections and unforgettable experiences. Whether you’re seeking new friendships, someone special, or just exploring, Flure makes it easy to find your kind of people. Built on trust, safety, and authenticity, Flure turns your online dating into something truly magical. Ready to make connections that matter? Join Flure today and see where it takes you!
FAQ
What does it mean to be sexually compatible?
It means being aligned with your partner regarding what you want in the bedroom and how often you want it and being actively willing to try new things and adapt if your partner expresses such desires.
How do you know if you're sexually incompatible with someone?
Usually, people feel it, even if they’re trying to pretend everything’s fine. The main giveaways are that sex is a painful topic in your couple, and you dread having it.
Is it normal to not be sexually active in a relationship?
Couples go through phases, and sometimes, they end up not having sex for a while. However, unless you’re asexual, having regular sex is normal behavior. Lack of sex may indicate some deeper issues.
What happens when a woman is sexually deprived in a relationship?
When a woman or a man is not having their sexual needs met, this leads to frustration and tension in the relationship. The woman might also eventually seek pleasure outside of the partnership and start cheating.
Can you figure out sexual compatibility organically?
Sure! Especially if you, as a couple, are emotionally connected and cherish each other, you can work the incompatibility out organically.
What if you’re not a perfect match?
It’s your call what to do in that case. If you’re only starting to go out and there is no love yet, and sex is essential to you, it might be a good idea to look for other partners. If you have strong feelings for someone and don’t want to give up, it makes sense to talk to a professional and be ready to adapt and readjust your expectations.
