It’s OK if both partners are on the same page about it and are happy to leave a low-sex or no-sex life. But what if your partner just isn’t interested in sex?
Growing up, we all imagine that grown-ups have sex, and if someone is in a relationship, it’s a must-have part of the equation.
However, once many of us turn into adults with stress, demanding jobs, anxieties, and a million other things to worry about, we can easily find ourselves in a romantic relationship that’s pretty much platonic.
Why Does Your Partner Not Want to Have Sex?
Before you can fix the issue, you need to understand it.
There are many reasons why your lover may not crave sex like they used to (or not at all), and here are the most common ones.
Stress
It seems like everything is blamed on stress lately, and it’s not for nothing. We’re all burdened by work, sleep deprivation, emotionally draining chores, and other responsibilities. All that combined makes one fatigued and not at all excited to have sex.
Emotional disconnect and relationship issues
Someone famous once said that the best foreplay is the one that starts in the morning when the couple greets each other. And there is a lot of truth to that! The way we treat each other daily has a significant impact on our sexual desire. Many women, for instance, can’t be attracted to their boyfriends whom they have to mother all the time.
Read more about emotional unavailability in our post.
Hormones
It’s funny how we all walk around like we’re our own bosses, and we think for ourselves when, in reality, hormones dictate the majority of our thoughts and decisions. If you or your husband, wife, or partner have a hormonal imbalance, that directly impacts the libido, and not in the way you’d want it to.
Health issues
When something’s bothering you physically, and you’re either in pain, fatigued, or struggling with a chronic illness, intimacy might not be at the top of your priority list.
Medication
When someone has a medical condition that requires medication, the side effect that’s often overlooked is lowered sexual drive. Antidepressants and birth control pills are among the drugs that are known to mess with libido.
Low sex drive by design
Sometimes, a person’s libido is just naturally low. That’s how they are, and there’s nothing wrong with them. If you’re highly sexually active, and your partner has always been the opposite of that, you might be in trouble, as such things don’t magically change. Unless you’re ready to adjust your expectations, there will be a problem that will require action on both sides.
Trauma
If someone had a negative sexual experience or assault in the past, their lust for sex would be severely lower, if present at all. Unfortunately, such things aren’t resolved momentarily, but if you have an honest talk and agree on the next steps to getting to the other side, you can do it.
Routine
Last but not least, let’s not underestimate the negative effect of the repetitive, familiar, and unexcited sex that sometimes replaces the wild and hot bedroom adventures that couples had at the beginning of their romances. If you have dull and unfulfilling sex, one of you is bound to get tired of it at some point.
How to Talk About Sex With Your Partner When They Don’t Want It
Whether you guess as to why your sex life isn’t thriving or you’re completely oblivious, the first right move to solving the issue should be talking to your partner about it.
Here is what you can do to minimize the emotional damage from this conversation and kickstart the discussion, which will lead to the problem resolution.
- Think of the best time and place to have this talk. Ideally, find a moment when everything is calm around you, when you both have time for a complex discussion, and when you’re not distracted or not too stressed.
- Approach this topic without blaming them. Pointing fingers or pressuring the partner about it won’t be helpful. Instead, focus on the “I” statements and try to talk about your feelings and worries. It’s easy to get defensive when someone brings up a topic like this, and it’s not what we want at all.
- Listen more than you talk. Once your partner starts talking, make sure you hear them out entirely. Try to make fewer statements and ask open-ended questions instead.
- Leave the emotions out. It’s much easier said than done, but do your best to avoid judgment, anger, and other negative emotions your lover will sense. They’re going to feel super vulnerable during this conversation, so if you can keep your cool, it will lead to a more productive discussion.
- Offer to explore the underlying issues together. Share your theories or ask them additional questions to get to the root cause unless they’ve explicitly told you what the deal is.
- Ultimatums are unacceptable. Unless you want to create more chaos and potentially lose this person, try not to pressure them or demand something.
The six tips above should help you understand what’s causing the lack of sex in your relationship. Once you’ve established that, move on to the next steps.
- Communicate your needs honestly. When you talk about low libido in relationships, you might naturally play down your sexual needs to avoid overwhelming your partner. Doing that would be a disservice. They need to know what you want, and only then they can work with that knowledge. If you tell them you don’t care about kisses or cuddling and sex once a week is enough, when, in reality, you want everything and a lot of it, the partner will never be able to meet your honest needs, as they won’t know about them, and you’ll continue to be dissatisfied and frustrated.
- Start with small steps. Slow and steady wins the race in issues like that. If, for instance, you have zero intimacy now, start with little innocent things, such as hugging and kissing once a day or every couple of days. You are jumping from zero to daily sex and constant PDA will not produce the long-term results that you seek.
- Discuss reaching out to a professional. Couple therapy is wonderful if both people welcome it and are ready to do the work. Discuss it with your lover and see if there is any chance they’ll be willing to do it. If they’re on the fence, leave it for now and revisit this topic later.
- Be patient and supportive throughout the journey. Resolving intimacy issues requires empathy and patience. Your being the loving and understanding partner will make a world of difference.
What to Do When Your Partner Has Lost Interest in Sex
It’s tough when your partner doesn’t want to have sex. If that happens to you, know that you are not alone, and there are ways out of this situation.
Note: Sometimes, nothing can be done, and the best solution is to break up. However, that’s not a decision you should decide on lightly, so before you resort to that extreme measure, consider the following few options.
- Have an open and vulnerable talk with them.
- Focus on building emotional intimacy and connection.
- Switch the focus from sex to other formats of intimacy.
- Try new things and experiment in the bedroom.
- Show patience and understanding.
- Talk to a professional, alone or as a couple.
- Consider changing your sex expectations.
Can a Relationship Survive Without Sexual Life?
First of all, how important is sex for the both of you? If it’s not critical, you can adapt. For example, maybe there is not going to be penetrative sex, but you can occasionally masturbate each other.
Also, intimacy is so much more than sex; it’s also hugging, kissing, and touching each other. It’s possible that it would be enough for you guys to focus on non-sex intimacy and carry on like that.
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FAQ
How do you deal with a non-intimate partner?
Approach them with kindness, low pressure, and lots of understanding. Ask them to explore this situation together, and assure them of your complete support.
What to do when your partner stops being intimate?
If they did it abruptly, consider asking them directly. Perhaps there is something bothering them that they were shy or ashamed of bringing up.
What happens when there is no physical intimacy in a relationship?
It all depends on the couple, but if one of the partners wants intimacy and doesn’t get it, it eventually leads to conflicts and emotional disconnect.
Is it normal to lose intimacy in a relationship?
Yes, anything that happens to us is normal. There are many reasons why someone might no longer want intimacy, and it’s a good idea to do some detective work and rule out health reasons.
What to do if my partner has a low libido?
If you have a high libido and your partner doesn’t, you can look for ways to compromise. For example, ask your partner for oral sex more often if they enjoy it more than penetrative sex. You can also talk to a couples therapist to see possible solutions.
Can a relationship last with no intimacy?
Depending on how big of a role sex and intimacy play for the second partner, the relationship can very well survive. There are ways to deal with it without breaking up, for example, by agreeing to a polygamous format.
