It's hard to survive modern dating without a dictionary. Ghosting, haunting, breadcrumbing, and a plethora of other confusing terms are real, and all of them are a part of your private life! In this Flure article, we break down benching: the worst dating trend ever.
What is benching?
Benching is a dating trend where one person keeps another person “on the bench”—like a player in a sports game—so they’re not in the main action but are still available as a backup option. When someone is being benched, they’re kept interested enough to stay in contact but never truly brought into the main spotlight of the relationship. The “bencher” may send the occasional flirty message, react to their stories, or toss out compliments, just enough to keep the benched person interested, but never with real follow-through.
Why does it happen? Sometimes, the bencher is keeping their options open or doesn’t want to fully commit. Maybe they’re dating others, or they’re just enjoying the attention and keeping things casual. To the benched, though, it often feels like they’re waiting endlessly for something real to happen.
The trick to spotting benching is noticing the patterns. If someone only reaches out when it’s convenient, never makes solid plans, or always has an excuse, you might be on the bench. It’s an all-too-common experience in the world of modern dating apps.
Why does it happen? Sometimes, the bencher is keeping their options open or doesn’t want to fully commit. Maybe they’re dating others, or they’re just enjoying the attention and keeping things casual. To the benched, though, it often feels like they’re waiting endlessly for something real to happen.
The trick to spotting benching is noticing the patterns. If someone only reaches out when it’s convenient, never makes solid plans, or always has an excuse, you might be on the bench. It’s an all-too-common experience in the world of modern dating apps.
How to know if you're being benched?
Here are some telltale signs:
If most of these sound familiar, you might be on their "bench." The key is to assess whether they’re showing genuine interest or just keeping you in the background.
- Inconsistent communication: They reach out just enough to keep you interested but then disappear for days or weeks at a time.
- Last-minute plans: They rarely make plans in advance and often ask to meet up at the last minute, showing they're not prioritizing you.
- Vague responses: They’re noncommittal when you suggest doing something together, often giving vague answers like "we’ll see" or "maybe."
- Little effort: Their texts feel low-effort, and they rarely engage in meaningful conversation. Emojis, short responses, or generic comments dominate.
- No progression: Despite chatting for a while, things don’t seem to progress. The relationship stays in a casual, surface-level phase.
- Avoidance of labels: They dodge conversations about defining the relationship, leaving things intentionally ambiguous.
- Social media engagement: They engage on social media by liking your posts or replying to your stories but avoid deeper connection elsewhere.
- Breadcrumbing: They drop hints about hanging out or future plans without ever committing, leaving you guessing about their intentions.
If most of these sound familiar, you might be on their "bench." The key is to assess whether they’re showing genuine interest or just keeping you in the background.
Why do benchers put you on the sideline?
As social animals, people are still exploring the communication tools that are available today. With social pressure and expectations incomparably different from those familiar to our parents, freedom and the abundance of choice appear very appealing. Simultaneously, nothing protects us from being hurt. Keeping someone as a second option is a form of subtle psychological manipulation. Refusing to commit deliberately appears natural in the modern dating landscape, even though it can be confusing and unpleasant to somebody.
“After years of being on dating apps, I am used to having at least three people to spend my time with simultaneously. I don’t want to promise anybody anything, I am afraid to make a wrong choice,” says 33-year-old Sabrina.
Here are detailed reasons why do benchers act this way:
Fear of being alone
Some benchers may not want to commit fully but also fear being alone. Keeping options open provides them with a sense of companionship without the pressures of exclusivity, creating a fallback if other pursuits don’t pan out.
Unrealistic expectations
Many benchers hold high standards and are always on the lookout for the "perfect" partner. By keeping someone on the sidelines, they feel they have a backup while they continue searching for someone who checks every box.
Use of online dating apps
The abundance of options on dating apps can make commitment feel less urgent. With so many potential matches just a swipe away, benchers may feel comfortable holding off on serious connections while exploring what else is out there.
Changes in dating behavior
Modern dating norms sometimes encourage casual approaches over commitment. For some, benching feels like an acceptable way to interact without leading someone on "too seriously," especially in hookup-oriented spaces.
Stress
Life stressors, like work, family, or financial concerns, can impact a person’s ability to commit fully. Instead of letting someone go, they keep them on the sidelines, delaying the decision to fully invest or move on.
Saturation
When people are dating multiple others, they can feel overwhelmed or stretched too thin. Benching allows them to prioritize the most exciting connections while keeping others as backup in case something changes.
Mental health issues
Issues like anxiety, depression, or low self-esteem can influence someone's ability to fully engage in relationships. They may feel emotionally unavailable but keep people around for support, reassurance, or temporary comfort.
Lack of empathy
Some benchers struggle with empathy and may not fully consider the other person’s feelings. They see benching as a harmless way to stay connected without realizing the confusion or emotional toll it can have on the other person.
How to know if you're being benched?
Keeping someone as a backup option can have a strong and negative emotional impact on the person being benched. It can lead to frustration, self-doubt, and a lack of trust in the future. To avoid anxiety and the toxicity of being manipulated, we have to notice red flags to not fall into the trap of being somebody's plan B or C. Here are some signs to realize someone is benching you:
Inconsistent communication: canceled or changed plans, sporadic messages, and lack of empathy in communication in general are the clear signs that you are being benched.
Uncertainty: the person is vague about their contact with you and if they are interested in seeing you again.
Hot and Cold Behavior: if they are affectionate at times and distant at others, it can be a sign they only need you occasionally.
One-sidedness: your interaction with the person often feels one-sided, or you may feel like you are communicating with nearly a stranger.
Last-minute plans: they get in touch and try to make plans unexpectedly.
Casual sex: you have sex, regularly or occasionally, without commitment or emotional connection.
Essentially, benching means manipulating someone and giving them hope that a bond is possible. If encouraged, this behavior can last for a long time and be an extremely confusing and hurtful experience.
Dealing with benching
Being benched can feel like you’re constantly waiting for someone else to make a move, leaving you in a state of uncertainty. But rather than staying sidelined, you can take steps to regain control over the situation. Here are some ways to handle benching and prioritize your own needs.
Set boundaries
Setting boundaries is essential to protect your time and energy. Decide how much effort and waiting you’re willing to invest, and be clear about what you expect from the other person. By creating boundaries, you’re setting a standard for how you deserve to be treated.
Open communication
Sometimes, addressing benching directly can clarify intentions. Communicate openly and let the other person know that you’re looking for consistency and honesty. By expressing your needs, you give them a chance to either step up or be clear about where they stand.
Focus on yourself
Instead of waiting around, shift your focus back to yourself. Spend time with friends, pick up hobbies, or explore other connections that genuinely interest you. Putting yourself first helps build confidence and keeps you from feeling dependent on someone else’s attention.
Be ready to walk away
Sometimes, the best response to benching is knowing when to walk away. If the other person isn’t willing to match your effort or respect your time, be prepared to step back. Choosing to leave a one-sided connection opens up space for healthier relationships to come into your life.
Is benching the same as ghosting or breadcrumbing?
Benching, ghosting, and breadcrumbing may all fall under the "dodgy dating" category, but each has its own twist. Ghosting is the abrupt vanishing act—one day they're texting nonstop, and the next, it's radio silence. The ghost leaves no explanation, no reason, just an empty space and unanswered questions. It’s the ultimate disappearing trick, leaving you wondering what went wrong. Breadcrumbing, on the other hand, is more like tossing you little crumbs of interest: a flirty message here, a random heart emoji there. But it’s all smoke and mirrors. The breadcrumber has no intention of following through—they’re just keeping your attention on a string.
Benching, however, is its own brand of elusive. Unlike ghosting, benching involves staying in contact just enough to keep you hooked, as if you’re a player warming the bench in a game they’re not sure you’ll ever be called into. The bencher might even make plans now and then, only to cancel or go quiet until they’re ready to reel you back in. It’s a "just in case" tactic: keeping someone around while they explore other options. So, while ghosting is a hard exit and breadcrumbing is surface-level teasing, benching is a prolonged limbo—a half-hearted connection, just in case they need you later.
Benching, however, is its own brand of elusive. Unlike ghosting, benching involves staying in contact just enough to keep you hooked, as if you’re a player warming the bench in a game they’re not sure you’ll ever be called into. The bencher might even make plans now and then, only to cancel or go quiet until they’re ready to reel you back in. It’s a "just in case" tactic: keeping someone around while they explore other options. So, while ghosting is a hard exit and breadcrumbing is surface-level teasing, benching is a prolonged limbo—a half-hearted connection, just in case they need you later.
Conclusion
Like ghosting and breadcrumbing, benching is a trend in modern dating that can lead to drama and hurt. Recognizing this type of behavior is the key to your healthy personal life. In a respectful relationship, people don’t treat each other as if they were negligible, and a fear of commitment is not equal to psychological manipulation or emotional abuse. In any relationship, it’s important to maintain self-respect and honest communication, as it’s important to let go of relationships and people that don’t feel right for you. Remember you can always find like-minded people at Flure.
Benching: FAQ
What is benching in dating?
Benching is when someone keeps a romantic interest on the "sidelines," staying in touch but never fully committing. They may send just enough messages or engage occasionally to keep you interested, but they avoid serious progression in the relationship.
Will they ever commit to me if they benched me?
It’s possible, but not likely. Benching often indicates that someone isn’t fully invested or is keeping options open. If they truly want a relationship, they’ll make it clear. Otherwise, it’s best to move on and invest your energy elsewhere.
What does it mean when you are benching?
When you’re benching someone, you’re keeping them in your life as a romantic option without full commitment. It’s a way of maintaining connection and interest without fully investing, often because of uncertainty or the desire to explore other possibilities.
